Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Indeed, certain, let us have A further area where American Males can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer All people a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be smooth power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the project, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from House, a feature getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorised.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after finding Trump Tower Damascus the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not just unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Capabilities

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where by friends may well contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is currently attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will likely contain:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."

Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Last Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

Report This Page

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires